Wednesday, May 23, 2012

OKAY GOD, I GIVE UP!!!


I don’t think any of you would be too shocked if I said I believe in God!  I don’t think that’s too unusual.  I was raised Irish Catholic and spent fourteen years in the Catholic School system which I left with an excellent education, a disciplined work ethic, and all the guilt I could carry! 

I also believe in prayer and I believe God answers all prayers – in His time frame, not ours!  In my experience, He has three boilerplate answers: “Yes,”  “Not Now,” and “I have something better in mind.”  Recently I have had this picture of God in my head, with His hands over His ears, adding a new answer: “Oh please shut up; I can’t stand your whining, begging, pleading, and haunting anymore!!!”  I think I have finally over-prayed the Great One!

Somewhere around the time of my surgery four years ago, I had begun to really pray, and pray, and pray – basically to stay alive.  I was truly petrified that I was about to die.  If one novena was good, than five would be better.  I would say a litany of saints and was terrified if I left one saint out.  I had prayer cards for different saints in every book and magazine I was reading.  I had made a deal with God that everything I picked up to read, day and night, would be preceded by a prayer to some saint.  If I woke up during the night, I would begin the rosary.  If I fell asleep before I was done, I felt guilty.  Overall, it was a few years of a generally uncomfortable and exhausting relationship with a God I had always trusted.  Maybe that was the key – did I really trust Him now, when my life depended on it???  I said all the right words – “I place my trust in You” –“I trust in Your plan for me” – but did I really?  If I did, why did I whine and beg and plead all day and night.  Was I afraid He would forget about me if I didn’t keep reminding Him what I wanted?

About six months ago, we were at 9:00 AM Mass on Sunday and a visiting Deacon said the homily.  It was about trust, but not the usual Let Go and Let God.  This was about real people who were getting a little ticked off at God and His seeming indifference to their prayers. 

His first story had to do with an article written by Catherine Marshall called “When We Dare to Trust God.” It told how she had been bedfast for six months with a serious lung infection.  No amount of medicine or prayer helped. She was terribly depressed.  One day someone gave her a pamphlet about a woman missionary who had contracted a strange disease. The missionary had been sick for eight years and couldn’t understand why God let this tragedy happen to her. Daily she prayed for health to resume her missionary work. But her prayers went unanswered.  One day, in desperation, she cried out to God: “All right, I give up. If you want me to be an invalid, that’s Your business.” Within two weeks the missionary was fully recovered.

Catherine Marshall laid the pamphlet aside.  She was puzzled by the strange story. It didn’t make sense. “Yet,” she said, “I could not forget it.”  Then one morning Catherine cried out to God in words similar to those of the missionary: “God, I’m tired of asking you for health. You decide if you want me sick or healthy.” At that moment, Catherine said later, her health began to return.

The Deacon who was giving this homily told us that he had been a school principal and Director of Religious Education for over 40 years.  One part of his job that he found very difficult was finding teachers for the various religious education programs each year.  One year, he had to replace almost half of his teaching staff.  After exhausting every lead he could think of, he was still three teachers short. 

On Sunday of Labor Day weekend, he found himself assisting at the 12:00 Mass.  He was sitting next to the priest during the first part of the mass and looking out at the congregation … going face to face, looking for someone that he could contact after Mass to become teachers.

He said, “Suddenly it hit me that what I was doing was wrong.  Instead of giving praise and glory to God, I was using the Mass as a venue for recruiting new teachers.”

He continued, “I had an Epiphany, a moment of clarity that is hard to describe.  It was part frustration, part anger, and part relief all at the same time.  I said, “Lord, I give up.  This is your program.  If you want it to have good teachers, find them for me. From this moment on, I’m not going to worry about finding teachers anymore!”

He said that once he put things in God’s hands, it took less than a few hours for God to drop the three best Jr. High teachers he had ever had right into his lap.

The thing that grabbed my attention was that these people didn’t say, “I’m putting my worries in Your hands and I trust You will take care of them for me.”  I’ve never been able to wrap my mind and heart around that attitude. I have to keep reminding God what I want and need.  What they did say was,
“All right I give up – if this is what You want, it’s Your business.”
“I’m tired of asking for health.  You decide what You want.”
“This is Your program.  If You want good teachers, You find them!”

The Deacon had had his epiphany and I had mine that morning in that church.  It suddenly became so clear to me that all my begging and pleading and whining couldn’t do anything to affect the things I was praying for. There were currently three serious concerns in my life, my health being one, and the only person who had the power to bring about solutions was God.  I made a deal with Him that day.  I told Him I would stop the constant repetitious begging.  I said I finally realized that only He had the power to solve these issues.  So, they were ALL HIS and I would accept whatever He chose to do with them – but I was DONE with pleading!  In exchange, I offered to do some smaller things for Him – things I did have control over.  So, now the big things are in His lap and He sends me little things to do for Him.  Works for me! 

As to the problems I dumped on Him, my health is doing very well and I hope to be in remission very soon.  The second is 95% resolved – no thanks to anything I did and pretty much out of the blue!  The third and most difficult problem is on a very good path to the solution – again unexpectedly.  Maybe this would have happened anyway – but I’m not sure how much longer I could have kept up the begging.  And I’m more afraid that God would have tuned me out completely by now.  I really was such a PAIN.

No, I’ve learned a valuable lesson.  God wants a relationship with me that involves mutual love and respect and a lot less whining.  When it comes to the BIG things, the things that only God has the power to bring about, He wants me to put those things in His hands and trust that He will do the best for me – and then just leave Him alone to do it.  I do say thank you every day and tell Him what a great job I think He’s doing.  Even God needs a pat on the back once in a while!  In exchange, I continue to take on the things I can do for Him, like being His hands when I crochet prayer shawls, or maybe His ear when someone needs to talk, or maybe His taxi service or cook to someone who needs it.  It’s a great deal for me and I love living this way.  And after 67 years, God can finally put His earplugs away when He sees me coming.  




No comments:

Post a Comment