The other day, I sent an update to some friends of mine about my current cancer status – working through recurrence and hopefully into remission. They are my prayer army and deserve periodic updates – and a lot more than I am able to give them. One of them wrote back,
“What good news!! You sold your house, your numbers are OK (?), you got to be Grammy for a while and watched fireworks for over 2 hours on the 4th of July. What else can a girl ask for??”
She’s right! What else could I ask for? If you recall, a month or so ago I made a deal with God. I would stop my constant whining and moaning to Him to heal me and just let Him handle it in His own time and His own way. After all, He’s the one with ALL the power – not me. He would take care of the big things and I would do the little “stuff” He didn’t have time for. (By the way, the sale of our house was one of the major things I turned over to Him. He took care of that with minimum drama! But was that enough for me – of course not!) Well, seems I fell off the Trust Wagon, with a big, noisy thud.
My CA-125 numbers had been coming down steadily during my treatments. When I reached the end of #5 of 6, I was just under the “high normal” level. So, after treatment #6, I expected low, low results. God’s handling it, right? I kept telling Him what a great job He was doing! No dice! I think He was distracted that day. It barely dropped ½ a point. I started to teeter on the edge of the wagon and the whining began. I requested another test in 2 weeks, just before my appointment with the doctor. It was 2 weeks of moaning and groaning to the heavens. I was so self-absorbed that I didn’t even do much crocheting on my prayer shawls – which was part of my end of the deal. Well, this time the numbers went up 10 points. For 24 hours, I was useless. No trusting in His plan for me; no “Your will, not mine!” Just get out your ear plugs, the pest is back – with a vengeance. I wouldn’t talk to anyone; I wouldn’t walk on the beach; I just sulked.
The next morning we left for my appointment. In walks the doctor, his nurse, and a medical student, all smiling. I was wearing my best please don’t let me die expression! The first words out of Dr. M’s mouth were, “I’m not overly concerned about a little bump in the numbers.” My respectful reply was, “Well I’m glad one of us isn’t.” (Have I told you that I’m not the most genteel patient?)
Over the next fifteen or twenty minutes, he did what he always does. He explained why he wasn’t concerned. He offered a number of options and went over each in detail. We came to a decision that we were both comfortable with. He calmed my fears. He healed my pain with compassion and he treated my anxiety with his endearing sense of humor. Once again, I left his office feeling uplifted and safe. My husband often tells me that it makes him feel so much better when I come back into the waiting room laughing and smiling. I am surrounded by guardian angels. Which reminds me – back to The Boss and that darned old wagon.
So, I’m humbly (and quietly) trying to sneak back up onto that Trust Wagon. I hate to be too obvious about the climb since I know I’ll fall off again. Trusting and letting go are very difficult for me. I’m an Aires – I think I can run the world! I really think I could – but that’s another story! But I promise to give Trust another go. I really, really will! I have a husband who’s being recommended for sainthood, a family who loves and supports me no matter how annoying I am, a prayer army that Satan himself couldn’t overcome, a medical team that keeps me alive and laughing, a glorious sunrise and a brilliant sunset each day, and a God who never tunes me out – even when He really should!
What else can a girl ask for???
SURVIVAL TIPS: A bump in the road, or a bump in your numbers, is sometimes just that – a little bump. Not the end of your road! Trust really is the answer, difficult as that may be for some of us. By the way, if any of you know of a 12-step program for Aires control freaks, please send me the information!
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